As i drove through Red Deer this weekend i looked at the hospital that Mum had me in. Interesting how life brings us back to where we started. i love Red Deer it is my favourite city in the world. I love it most becuase that's where Mum and i first met. i don't remember it, but she remembered everything, and told me often. When we would sit late at night getting ready for us to go to Hebron and i would help push the foot pedal on her old sowing machine. She talked a lot, and i talked too and told her all about my life at school and about my friends. She always took my side. oh how do people live in this world without Mothers, this year is unbearable. She couldn't see the small hole in the needle and i always got to thread it for her, her half moon glasses would sit on the end of her nose, and the ceiling fan would have to be on low or else it would blow and shift the clothe too much. She told me lots of funny stories about Dad and her when they were in Dubai and Canada, and we would laugh loud and long, she was my best friend. Then we would hear Daddy go to the bathroom and then we would whisper again. She didn't like drums and firmly believed there would not be drums in Heaven. i wonder if she's right. She really liked Sharon and Shirley's thick hair and one time she gave them a trim and kept the hair to make herself some hair extensions. she kept that extension and used it often, had it proffessionally set too. Before she left, she did a lot of cleaning and throwing stuff out and labeling. i wonder if she cried when she was sorting thorugh them, i wonder if death frightened her. i wonder if she was afraid she would miss us.
One night in hospital when i rushed back to India in the summer of 2004 to be with Mum becuase she had terrible pnemonia, i woke up in the middle of the night to wailing from a lower floor in the hospital, Mummy, Epsi and i lay there listening to the woman wailing and i knew someone she loved had died, it was a terrible moment because we were all so afraid that Mummy would die too, and Mum said to me, "Sarah honey, close that window sounds like someone is in pain, probably the nurse forgot to give them their pain medication, and i quietly wept becuase i was so afraid that one day that wailing would me." Mummy somedays i do wail, but most days i just keep it inside quietly. When i talk to you i talk in Tamil and i get angry with you for going. i try ot be happy for you, but oh i can't and i am so selfish.
Your Mum passed away the year before you did, and so i know you must know what we would feel like after you went. You told us that when you were leaving after a visit with your mother just before she went, Grandma said goodbye to Daddy and Sharon, but she didn't to you and you were upset because she didn't but Grandma must have known you two would see each other again, and turned out that was the last time you all saw her. Have you seen your Dad too Mum? He's been waiting a long time for you. you were his favourite. i loved to hear the stories of how your Dad took care of you. I have a video clipping of Grandma singing 'God Save our Gracious King' it is beautiful. i love you with all my heart and there is no one that can take your place. i love you very much Mummy, i look forward to seeing you again and i count the days.
